The statement, "Dad, Antonio is performing again" always makes me smile and laugh. It's what Gianna says when she notices her brother Antonio flirting with one of her friends. She uses "performing" instead of "flirting", but make no mistake about it, he's flirting and he's been doing it since he was two or three years old.
The dictionary defines flirting as behaving in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously. That definition may be accurate for innocent flirting, but we all know that some people have bigger intentions. Many people flirt to explore the potential for a romantic or sexual relationship. And when that happens outside of a committed relationship, the line between innocent fun and intentional infidelity is blurred.
So, why do committed people flirt? When should a committed person (or their partner) become concerned that flirting has gone too far? This article explains the various types of flirting and alerts you to four signs that your 'flirting' is 'flirting' with cheating.
Flirting- Always Serves A Purpose
Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen, a leading researcher on flirting, offers a comprehensive definition. He defines flirting as ambiguous goal-motivated behaviors that can be, but are not restricted to being, interpreted as sexually motivated. This definition emphasizes flirting's goal-motivated and ambiguous nature as essential characteristics. It's these motivations and intentions that distinguish playful flirting from acts of infidelity. Dr. Henningsen has identified six motivations for flirting as follows:
This is playful bantering and teasing that's enjoyable to both parties and motivated by fun. It's a harmless and innocent activity that makes neither party uncomfortable.
Healthy flirting between partners who seek to intensify the intimacy in their relationship.
When flirting is well-received and reciprocated it feels good and might boost self-esteem. So, men and women engage in flirting because it is flattering and makes them feel attractive. People also flirt to compliment or make another feel better about themselves.
This is flirting used to persuade someone to do something for you. As one of my friends pointed out, "I might flirt with the bartender to get my drinks quicker, but that doesn't mean I want to go home with him."
The ambiguous nature of flirting makes it easy to indirectly convey romantic or sexual interest with a lowered risk of rejection. So, men and women flirt to gauge, test, and explore whether another person is interested in beginning a relationship.
This is flirting motivated by a desire to facilitate sexual contact or a sexual relationship.
When Flirting Becomes Cheating
Couples have varying degrees of comfort with flirting. The playful bantering among friends that one couple finds amusing is uncomfortable and threatening to another couple. That's why it's important to talk to your partner and agree upon boundaries acceptable to you both. And if either partner violates a promise or commitment you've made to the other, then you have a problem regardless.
It's obvious that flirting motivated by romantic or sexual desires crosses the line into infidelity. But that's not usually the way it begins. Often, flirting begins innocently and progresses, blurring the line between harmless fun and inappropriate behavior. That said, here are four 'not so obvious' signs that flirting has gone too far.
When You Think About Flirting With the Same Person
Let's face it, flirting is fun and can make us feel good. But daydreaming, reminiscing, and looking forward to playful flirtations with one person is a sign that more is developing. Ask yourself this question, "Do you often catch yourself thinking about your flirtatious friend when they're not near you?" If you answer, "Yes", it's time to reevaluate your friendship.
When You Keep Your Flirtatious Behaviors Secret
If the flirting is kept a secret from your partner, family, friends, and co-workers, ask yourself why? Not telling your sensitive partner about the hunky UPS person you flirt with is one thing. But when you're uncomfortable telling your best friend about your flirting, you've probably crossed the line.
When You Feel Guilt-Ridden
Would your partner feel betrayed if they could read your mind and experience your feelings when you are flirting with your friend? Are you guilt-ridden after flirting because you enjoyed it so much? If so, perhaps your friendship is bordering on inappropriate and it's time to stop now.
When You Share Emotional Intimacy
We all need the love, acceptance and appreciation of another person. And when these intimacy needs are not met, we are lonely, regardless of our relationship status. Loneliness is your heart craving for intimacy and connection but having not having anyone willing to connect. This can certainly occur when we are single and alone, but it also occurs in relationships where one or both partners are emotionally unavailable.
Friendly bantering and flirting can get us to open up and share more of our thoughts and emotions. What starts as a playful friendship then becomes the foundation of an emotionally intimate relationship. If you find that you share more of your emotions with your flirtatious friend because they understand you better, you've already moved into dangerous territory.
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"Flirt" redirects here. For other uses, see Flirt (disambiguation).
"Sweet nothings" redirects here. For other uses, see Sweet Nothings.
Flirting or coquetry is a social and sometimes sexual behavior involving verbal or written communication, as well as body language, by one person to another, either to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with the other person, or if done playfully, for amusement. In most cultures, it is socially disapproved for a person to make explicit sexual advances in public, or in private to someone not romantically acquainted, but indirect or suggestive advances (i.e. flirting) may at times be considered acceptable.
Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest in the given setting. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony. Double entendres, with one meaning more formally appropriate and another more suggestive, may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity, etc. Verbal communication of interest can include alterations in vocal tone, such as pace, volume, and intonation. Challenges (teasing, questions, qualifying, feigned disinterest) serve to increase tension and test intention and congruity.
Flirting behavior varies across cultures due to different modes of social etiquette, such as how closely people should stand (proxemics), how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth. Nonetheless, some behaviors may be more universal. For example, ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt found that in places as different as Africa and North America, women exhibit similar flirting behavior, such as a prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile.
The origin of the word flirt is obscure. The Oxford English Dictionary (first edition) associates it with such onomatopoeic words as flit and flick, emphasizing a lack of seriousness; on the other hand, it has been attributed to the old French conter fleurette, which means "to (try to) seduce" by the dropping of flower petals, that is, "to speak sweet nothings". While old-fashioned, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, but the English gallicismto flirt has made its way and has now become an anglicism.
Actually, the word Fleurette was yet used in the XVI century, like in some sonnet, and some other texts · ·. The French word fleurette (small flower), and the language of old south France word flouretas (from the Latin flora(for flower)), are related to some little says where flowers are both at the same time a pretext and the comparison terms. In southern France, some usage were yet used in 1484, ·. In French, some other words more or less related are derived from the word fleur: for instance effleurer (English: lightly touch) from XIII century esflourée; déflorer (English: deflower) from XIII century desflorer or (fleuret (English Foil) XVIII century).
In 1592 the future King Henry IV lived in Nerac in southern France. He had an affair (one of reportedly about 75) with the gardener's daughter Fleurette. He subsequently disavowed her as he was after all the future king and she but a gardener's daughter. Fleurette was so distraught that she drowned herself and there is in Nerac a beautiful statue to her as her body was recovered. The story became know across France as a tale of the rich and poor, the powerful and the powerless. 'conter Fleurette' became a phrase that you might use when a young girl is discarded by a lover. Since this part of France and Britain were at this time united the word also entered the English language as 'flirting'.
Anyway, the association of flowers, spring, youngth, and women is not modern and were yet considered in ancient culture, such as the Chloris in ancient Greece, or Flora (deity) in ancient Roman empire, including Floralia festival, and in older poems:
During World War II, anthropologist Margaret Mead was working in Britain for the British Ministry of Information and later for the U.S. Office of War Information, delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians, and vice versa. She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.
Communications theorist Paul Watzlawick used this situation, where "both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash", as an example of differences in "punctuation" in interpersonal communications. He wrote that courtship in both cultures used approximately 30 steps from "first eye contact to the ultimate consummation", but that the sequence of the steps was different. For example, kissing might be an early step in the American pattern but a relatively intimate act in the English pattern.
Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much Shunga art, the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century.
European hand fans
Further information: European Hand Fans in the Eighteenth Century
The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially England and Spain. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even etiquette books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan which was published by William Cock in London in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".
In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today, ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or chaperons. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.
People flirt for a variety of reasons. Flirting can indicate an interest in a deeper personal relationship with another person. Some people flirt simply for amusement, with no intention of developing any further relationship. For others, flirting serves a purpose and is employed as a tool to achieve a specific (professional) goal (good salespeople will recognise situations where flirting will help a sale).
Main article: Mating (human)
In order to bond and/or to express sexual interest, people flirt. According to social anthropologistKate Fox, there are two main types of flirting: flirting just for fun and flirting with further intent. Flirting for fun can take place between friends, co-workers, or total strangers that wish to get to know each other. This type of flirting does not intend to lead to sexual intercourse or a romantic relationship, but increases the bonds between two people.
Flirting with intent plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, and hair-touching; or verbal signs, such as chatting, giving flattering comments, and exchanging telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact. In the 21st century flirting is increasingly taking place in instant messaging and other social media.
Flirting may consist of stylized gestures, language, body language, postures, and physiologic signs which act as cues to another person. Among these, at least in Western society, are:
- smiling at them and/ or holding them close
- Blowing a kiss
- Casual touches; such as a woman gently touching a man's arm during conversation
- Conversation (e.g. banter, small talk, pickup lines)
- Coyness, marked by cute, coquettish shyness or modesty
- Eye contact, batting eyelashes, or staring
- Eyebrow raising
- Flattery (e.g. regarding beauty, sexual attractiveness)
- Footsie, a form of flirtation in which one uses their feet to play with another's
- Giggling, or laughing encouragingly at any slight hint of intimacy in the other's behavior
- Imitating or mirroring another's behavior (e.g. taking a drink when the other person takes a drink, changing posture as the other does, etc.)
- Maintaining close proximity, such as during casual talking
- Chatting online, texting, and using other one-on-one and direct messaging services, while hinting affection
- Protean signals, such as touching one's hair
- Sending notes, poems, or small gifts
- Singing specially selected love songs in presence of the person
- Staging of "chance" encounters
The effectiveness of many of these interactions has been subjected to detailed analysis by behavioral psychologists, and advice on their use is available from dating coaches.
Flirting varies a great deal from culture to culture. For example, for many western cultures one very common flirting strategy includes eye contact. However, eye contact can have a very different meaning in some Asian countries, where women might get in trouble if they return a glance to men who stare at them. Furthermore, Chinese and Japanese women are sometimes not expected to initiate eye contact as it could be considered rude and disrespectful.
The distance between two people is also important when flirting. People from the "contact cultures", such as those in the Mediterranean or Latin America, may feel comfortable with closer proximity, whereas a British or Northern European person may typically need more space. Although touching, especially of the hand or arm, can constitute flirting, touching is also often done without intentions of flirting, particularly in the contact cultures where it forms a natural part of communication.
- ^"Scoring a German: Flirting with Fräuleins, Hunting for Herren - SPIEGEL ONLINE". Spiegel.de. Retrieved 2012-10-03.
- ^Revue des langues romanes
- ^Émile Littré, "fleurette", Dictionnaire de la langue française (in French)
- ^ abMead, Margaret (2004). William O. Beeman, ed. Studying Contemporary Western Society: Method and Theory. New York: Berghahn Books. pp. 145, 149. ISBN 1-57181-816-2.
- ^Mead's article, A Case History in Cross-National Communications, was originally published in Bryson, Lyman (1948). The Communication of Ideas. New York: Institute for Religious and Social Studies, dist. by Harper and Brothers. OCLC 1488507.
- ^e.g. Mead, Margaret (1944). The American troops and the British community. London: Hutchinson. OCLC 43965908.
- ^e.g. Mead, Margaret. "What Is a Date?". Transatlantic. 10 (June 1944). OCLC 9091671.
- ^Watzlawick, Paul (1983). How Real Is Real?. London: Souvenir Press. pp. 63–64. ISBN 0-285-62573-X.
- ^"Ladies and their Fans". Avictorian.com. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
- ^"The Language of the Fan". Spainforvisitors.com. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
- ^"SIRC Guide to flirting". Sirc.org. Retrieved 2011-08-14.
- ^"Pittsburgh is the 'flirtiest' city in the country - Timesonline.com: Local News". Timesonline.com. 2011-09-15. Retrieved 2012-10-03.
- ^ abcdFlirting. Sexplanations. 2014-03-25.
- ^Winter, Susan (2015-04-19). "The Dating Game of Hot and Cold". Huffington Post. Retrieved 2017-03-15.
- ^"Covert glances and eye contact". Brighthub.com. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
- ^"SIRC Guide to Flirting". Sirc.org. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
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"You'll figure that out soon enough after the deed." (poster by Henri Gerbault)